I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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