This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Your penis caused this!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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