If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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