I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
