So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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