It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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