You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
