3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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