can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
