You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I understand Curling. That high.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
