someone threw a dead crab at me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
