I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
