It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
