I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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