I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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