Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
