It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's shark week go big or go home
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
