all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
