i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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