1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
