i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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