She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Randomize
