My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
