Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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