lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm bleeding and have questions
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