I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
