I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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