I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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