Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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