good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
