and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
