dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
