My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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