I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
