I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
