Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
