I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
