I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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