Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
