you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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