Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
