had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
