i can't believe i had my finger in that
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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