I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
