Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Someone shattered a urinal.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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