I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
