it wasn't lemon gatorade
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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