Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It's never too late to be topless.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
