not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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