and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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