Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
