there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize