We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
