I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
