the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You ruined the universe
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize