I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize