I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
