So drunk its hurt
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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