Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
