I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
