Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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