i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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