I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
