my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
