I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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