My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
