I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
