I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
